Hmm.  Haven’t added to the chronology in a while, so here you go, in rough reverse order:

1. I spent today proctoring the exams for two sections of American Government at Kalamazoo Valley Community College, on behalf of the Vegas-bound Tony.  Took a few hours to wander the WMU campus, and I stopped by the Herald and the Philosophy department.  I’m strongly tempted to seek re-admission into the M.A. program.
2. Had lunch yesterday at the hospital with Edmund.  It was fun watching him stare at all the gay hospital boys running around the cafeteria.
3. I had dinner Sunday with a younger fellow named Will.  We had a nice time, enjoying a simple dinner and a walk in the downtown area, before going back to his place for conversation.
4. Last Thursday, I had lunch with a young lady, which was a nice change of pace.  No dating potential there, but she was a sweet girl.
5. I had a much-needed Day of Rest last Wednesday.  I went straight home from work, had a pizza delivered, and watched more TV in one evening than I had in the prior six months combined.  Just me, my giant leather recliner, pizza, and TV.  Mmmm.  Of course, the bathroom scale wasn’t quite as forgiving, but it had been so long since I’ve done NOTHING that I think it was worth it.
6. Weekend before last was something of a disappointment, featuring a pair of last-minute stand-ups from friends.  However, that Friday evening was great — Jen and I went to Becca’s for dinner.  A dinner that I ended up mostly cooking. 

The Autumn of Renewal continues apace.  I’m quite pleased with the progress I’m making (on my new theory that “excellence is the best revenge”) and I’m just … calmer.  It’s nice.  It’s helpful to not be actively relationship-seeking, and to have rolled back a lot of my frenetic social schedule that had so bedeviled my summer.

There is an old proverb:  Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I disagree.  What could be more delicious than driving your adversary to shame, regret or envy because you — while publicly ignoring the original insult or injury — refocused your energies to become better than what you were?

No, cold ruthlessness is not the best revenge.  Excellence is.

This morning I weighed in at less than 170 for the first time in more than a year.  This makes Jason happy; my goal is to get back to 160, and then begin a strength-training program.  At this rate, I might get there by Halloween.

How best to celebrate a weight-loss milestone than with a good run?  I haven’t done an honest-to-goodness road run since I lived in Kentwood, probably in August 2007; I’ve limited my cardio solely to treadmills since. 

So, I ran home from the hospital, a trek of a bit more than seven miles.  I started at DeVos Place, ran through to Bridge and Garfield, walked the Bridge Street Hill, and then proceeded at speed along Lake Michigan Drive to Collindale.  I walked a few hundred meters (pulse check), then picked up the pace to Lincoln Country Club — there’s no sidewalk, and only a six-inch path that runs about a foot away from the curb, so I walked it lest I step funny and end up sprawled in the path of oncoming traffic.  After Lincoln, I ran to Kinney, and then followed Kinney to Leonard.

I feel good.  I feel good about myself.  As I told Rick today:  It’s an autumn of renewal.

Here, in short form, is my list of long-term goals — and why.

Long-Term Goals through 2010

• Find suitable long-term housing. (done)
• Secure a sailboat.
• Liquidate all debts and improve my credit score.
• Earn shodan rank and finish escrima study.
• Revert to 160# and begin regular weights by 9/15/09.
• Procure a total abdominoplasty in 2009.
• Run in 2010 River Bank Run & G.R. Marathon.
• Study yoga and ballroom dancing.
• Develop/publish/start a personal life reading list.
• Obtain certification as a licensed parliamentarian.
• Acquire a class A license from USPA.
• Earn a private pilot’s license.
• Circulate a novel manuscript for consideration.
• Enhance my singing and piano proficiency.
• Develop some skill in German and Spanish.
• Complete a survivalist course.
• Secure master scuba or divemaster certification.
• Finish Wilderness First Responder training.
• Obtain USCG six-pack licensure.
• Test for HAM license.

The Next Milestone
I will complete the Great Loop before I turn 40.  [The Great Loop is a sailing course that starts in Lake Michigan, heads south through Chicago to the Mississippi, along the Gulf Coast to Florida, features a winter in the Keys or elsewhere in the Caribbean, and ends with a trip up the U.S. Atlantic coast to either New York’s Erie Canal, or through the St. Lawrence Seaway, returning to the Great Lakes.  The full journey, with ample time for weather windows, sightseeing, and leisure, takes about a year.]

The Meaning of Life
The measure of a man best assessed in the sincerity of his struggle to realize his full and natural potential. For me, this potential is rooted in the development of authentic wisdom, obtained through the joyful pursuit of diverse experiences, sincere relationships, and new ideas.

Vision
I aspire to be an elderly man who has no regrets.

How?
I will succeed through the development of my own freelance writing and communication-consulting agency.  This consultancy will provide the opportunity to work and travel unfettered by a fixed location.  As time (and client rosters!) permit, I will transition out of my current job as a healthcare data analyst and into my own firm, and the ability to write while away from an office will permit a revenue stream no matter where I go.

Why?
See everything; overlook much; change what you can.
     + John XXIII

The Road goes ever on and on/Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,/And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,/Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet./And whither then? I cannot say.
     + J.R.R. Tolkein, The Hobbit

EDIT:  07 July 2009

Today, I resigned completely from USMA, thus completely ending all of my active-duty engagements with online political simulations.  That, combined with my ending of online social engagements, means that yours truly has a lot of free time to fill.

The days ahead aren’t all that packed:

• Tonight … Dinner at Becca’s with Jen (and maybe a few others).
• Saturday … Prison ministry, church, and drinks in the evening with Charlie and/or Andrew.
• Sunday … Nothing.

It would be difficult to overstate the significance of my abandonment of my various online entertainments — these sucked up soooo much time, that I might even be able to get my work done in my office without too much distraction.

A few updates/comments:

• Had drinks with Charlie on Thursday night.  It was a nice time — he’s a great guy, and I really enjoy his company.  As luck would have it, I ran into Edmund there; surprisingly, he wasn’t all that drunk. 
• Thursday also featured my first formal visit to the new diocesan offices at Cathedral Square.  I met with the diocesan director of the Office for Worship, and another lay woman, to discuss our program — we are going to co-present in late October and early November a series on liturgical art and environment.  I get to discuss the theology of liturgy, questions of “prudence” in the liturgical setting, sacristy management, and effective seasonal planning with the pastor and across other lay ministries.  Should be fun; we’re doing this just for the Advent/Christmas seasons, and we’re being hosted in Big Rapids and Caledonia.  Might do another round, on Lent/Easter, in the late winter.  In any case, the new diocesan digs are nice, and it’s always nice to be recognized by the vicar general when you run into him.
• Wednesday featured a depressing blow-up with Brian, a fellow with whom I had been previously chatting.  I actually have a lengthy post on the subject written, but it’s still set to “private” depending on whether he chooses to re-engage with me early next week.
• Tuesday was fun.  Tony’s teaching at Davenport again, so we’re back on track with our Tuesday night dinner/drinks routine at Applebees again.  This week, we were joined by Jen and Becca, which was pleasant.

Time to go.

I hate birthdays.  I hate the thought of getting one year closer to the feel of death’s icy fingers stroking the back of my neck.  I hate knowing that my body has already begun, in slow and subtle ways, its decline.  I hate feeling like I’ve missed yet more opportunities to learn, to grow, to love.  But, birthdays do afford a ready-made excuse to reflect on things.

1. There is a certain romance in living a goal-directed life.  Dreaming big, and taking positive action to achieve objectives, can bring a strong sense of purpose and direction to one’s daily affairs.  But goals have a downside, too; incremental failures can lead to paralysis and self-doubt, and the fear of success can be as debilitating as the fear of failure.  In fact, the whole enterprise can be jeopardized by nothing more than the inaction that comes from being distracted from the finish line.  A personal teleology requires ongoing re-commitment to the principles and objectives of the final goal, and at times it can be hard to summon the courage to keep plugging away when no progress is apparent, or the tasks are mundane.  Discipline is both the result of, and the chief contributor to, authentic goal attainment.
2. No matter how much we think we have achieved a degree of wisdom and understanding, there’s always yet another level left to climb.  I used to think that I’d arrive at a new insight, and that I had the answers.  Now I realize that new insights merely allow me to more carefully refine the questions. 
3. People tend to find comfort in the devil they know, and so they refuse to jeopardize that comfort on the possibility of something better.  Risk aversion makes a powerful and pervasive brake on self-actualization, and it often works beneath our conscious thought.
4. The temptation to treat others instrumentally, instead of as a person intrinsically worthy of respect, can be hard to resist.  We look to others not for who they are, but for what they can do or be for us.  This lesson has been driven home by my recent excursions into relationship-seeking.  No one has really looked for me; rather, they looked for someone who could do something for them, or fill an abstract role in their lives.  I am not a knight in shining armor.  I am not a perfect boyfriend with a perfect body.  I cannot heal your damaged psyche.  Perhaps it’s cynicism talking, but it seems like authentic engagement with a person who is respected as a person is lacking from the contemporary social space.  We are so focused on what we want, that we refuse to remain open to how our lives might change for the better if we didn’t treat most everyone else like some sort of tool or organic blow-up doll, or as a mere template upon which we impress our hopes and desires.
5. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of wounded souls.  Many of the people I’ve encountered over the last six months have some some unresolved emotional trauma that — from my perspective — appears to be circumscribing their happiness in a clear and unambiguous way.  Of course, they usually don’t see it from my perspective.  Naming names isn’t relevant; what’s important is that the number of genuinely well-adjusted people I’ve come across is small, and that people are their own worst judges of their own problems.  And any gentle reader who thinks I’ve got some sort of unresolved problem is most welcome to e-mail me with their thoughts; the exercise will certainly be well-received.
6. Genuine friendship is worth its weight in gold.  I think, on balance, that over my 31st year, my relationship with my core friends has either stayed the same (Jon, Rick, Duane, Sheila, [redacted]) or improved (Emilie, Tony).  I’ve made authentic new friends whom I’m confident will be around for a while (Tracy, Teri, Jen, Becca, Andrew).  There are a few others, very newly met, for whom … time will tell.  But the upshot is this:  I’ve tried to take my friends less for granted than I used to, and I’m a better person because they’re in my life, providing support when needed and a kick in the buttocks when appropriate.  Plus, I like them for who they are, which is a bonus.
7. I’ve been ambivalent about whether I really need a “significant other” in my life.  There’s a part of me that feels incomplete — that having a person to call my own will fill a void of emotional energy that too often stops me from the hard work of goal attainment.  Having someone to love, and to love me, is powerfully motivating and fulfilling.  That said, finding the right person is hard, and the search sucks away what little juice is left in the batteries.  Perhaps I should be content to be alone?  Every other day, my opinion on this changes.
8. Too many allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good.  They have a decent thing going, but they find a reason to be unhappy, or they find a good person but find a reason to reject him or her.  Too much complacency is a bad thing, but too little acceptance of minor flaws can be equally vexing.
9. Genuine serenity requires an ability very difficult to hone — a willingness to love yourself unconditionally, despite your blemishes.  Love requires acceptance, and self-acceptance is in rare supply these days.  I know that I’ve struggled against self-image issues for a long time, and with feelings of social inadequacy.  These have melted away recently, and I think that for the first time ever, I’ve been comfortable enough in my own skin to love myself without qualification.  It’s amazing how much tranquility one can cultivate by not stressing out about your own flaws.  Optimism, too, increases significantly, and an upbeat disposition can do much to bridge the cap for other things (like lack of ambition, or loneliness) that otherwise might prove debilitating.
10. Am I living in the wrong place, at the wrong time?  The cultural feel of Grand Rapids, for people in my age cohort, is off-key.  The social vibe just isn’t quite right — people are more reserved, passive aggressive and inconsistent.
11. Reputation is hard to maintain but easy to piss away.  I’ve been remarkably fortunate to have been as “consequence-free” for failing to honor my obligations to others, but this good luck comes with a price.  The summer spent doing everything but what I should have, ended up having practical consequences insofar as I “lost” a client and got booted out of a community project.  Shame can sometimes supply the motivation that duty alone cannot, and right now, I’m feeling some pressure to shore up my sagging reputation with some of my contacts.
12. There can be such a thing as too much introspection.  “Analysis paralysis” affects individuals as much as quality-improvement teams.
13. Secrets are almost as destructive to relationships as betrayal.  Especially as I think about how my family has developed since my grandfather died three years ago, I realize — in a more direct way — that secrets (even those kept under the very best of intentions) have a long-term corrosive effect.  Being an open book has a price, but I think it’s cheaper in the end than in being too closed.

All for now.

This morning, the scale registered 172.5 — the lowest I’ve been since I sunk to 172 in March.  Not bad, considering that on Labor Day, I clocked in at 180 and have hovered between 178 and 182 all summer long.

Amazing what can happen when one simultaneously stops having a social life that consists of dining out almost every night, while actually running and practicing karate every evening again.

When I return to my normal, post-obesity weight of 160, I plan to start a strength-building program.  No point in having the upper body of a six-year-old girl, after all.

It feels good to be solidly back on track.

Tonight I deleted every personals profile I remember creating.  These “dating” Web sites have leeched an inordinate amount of my time, an investment repaid with negativity, drama, and incivility.  I told myself that I monitored them mostly to keep track of who to be cautious about if I should encounter them in the real world; however, I don’t need to dust off my philosophy degree to spot the inadequacies of that argument.

I banished these electronic carnivals of flesh largely on the example of my new friend Brian, who did the same thing about two weeks ago.  I liked his logic:  He said that if he was meant to be with someone, he’d find that person eventually, without the distractions and temptations that the online world affords.

Of course, I knew darn well he was right, and I knew it a long time ago.  It just took his example to push me to act.

Today I returned to my “normal” routine — leaving the office and going to the dojo, then the gym, and then relaxing a bit in the evening.  I even started being more responsible with my caloric intake, since the summer was filled with much food and relatively little aerobic exercise, with the attendant repercussions for my waistline.

I feel refreshed.  I didn’t seriously attend to my martial-arts training, or run with sufficient discipline, over the summer.  Getting back on the wagon after an inconsistent few months is invigorating, and reinforces just how much my training and fitness really mean to me.

This is not to say that there weren’t some consequences to being gone.  My sensei decided to welcome me back to the dojo by having me lead the the class in the jumbi undo (stretching exercises), including the tenshin moves and tae sabaki.  In Japanese, of course, although I made due by making the other students announce the next technique.  It was a small class today, and I was the highest-ranking student, so … yep.  I held my own, though, even though I nearly let a 15-year-old girl knock me on my ass during the kicking exercise.

Then, at the gym, I discovered that my sustained cruising speed on the treadmills tops out at about 7.5 mph (an 8.0-minute mile).  Unfortunately, I only ran for about 30 minutes, since I hadn’t eaten properly today and felt my blood-sugar levels plummet at around mile 2.25.  Ugh.  But it felt good, anyway.

It should be a nice week.  I’ve got coffee scheduled with Alejandro tomorrow, before my Biomedical Ethics Committee meeting, and I’ll see Tony after that, to discuss a prospective return to The Happiest Place on Earth and whether/how I’ll sub as guest lecturer for the classes he’s teaching at KVCC and Davenport when he spends a few days away in November.  And the rest of the week?  Dojo, gym, rinse repeat.  No other social commitments on the horizon. 

And the cool rain is nice.  I wore a sweater again.  It was lovely.  Apparently, it facilitates stream-of-consciousness blogging … oh, well.